They Think It's All Over.....It Is Now !

Time is a funny bugger, isn’t it ? On the one hand the tour feels like it just finished a couple of days since, but then I try and think back to Dartford Orchard on February 2nd and it seems that long ago I’m sure I remember the women in the audience wearing crinolines and bustles. I think that part of this weird timestretch feeling is that we really haven’t stopped work on the band OR the tour since it finished; two days after the final curtain at Croydon the lads flew out to Germany to take part in a huge TV show, and no sooner was that over than they were scooting off to Sweden to do some shows there, and all the while they’ve been trotting around Europe I’ve been a modern – day Bob Cratchitt, slaving over a hot ledger book trying to sort out all the finances from the tour. At the time of writing I still don’t know if the drinks are on me, we’ve broken even, or the workhouse beckons, largely because NINETEEN of the theatres we played still haven’t even given us the percentage split figures I need to invoice them for, let alone part with any actual wonga. In addition to this administrative tardiness, we’re also having to deal with what are known as “ The Contras “. Far from being some arcane South American revolutionary army, these are the ( often ludicrous ) re-charges that theatres try to levy on visiting companies. There are some that you accept without question…for example, the visiting company always pays for the house crew on the load –out, and it’s also normal to accept some kind of deduction for marketing expenses, like putting your gig ad in their “ what’s on “ brochures. Some, however, are, quite frankly, taking the piss, and these are the ones that take the longest to pay. There’s one group of theatres which shall remain nameless for fear of reprisals ( yes, I’m talking about YOU, HQ Theatres….(oops) who stretch credulity to eye-watering lengths. Huge marketing recharges with no evidence given to back up what they’ve spent it on, a charge for the bloody electricity that the show uses, for Sooty’s sake, and in one theatre the absolute piece de resistance, a charge of £ 12.77 for a “ fruit bowl in the artiste’s dressing room “. Never mind that said fruit bowl wasn’t even seen, let alone eaten, by the artistes, unless it contained the world’s rarest kumquat or ugli then someone’s having a right laugh……I can buy a chuffin' SACK of fruit for twelve and a half quid ! But I digress.
The German TV show was a big deal for the band, and although it was hard work for them and involved a LOT of rehearsal, it’s made them many friends and opened a lot of doors in Europe. Thomas Gottschalk, the show’s host, is something of a Grande Fromage in German TV presenting circles, and despite sporting shoulder – length blonde hair and leather trousers that very few sixty – year old men ( including, sadly, Thomas Gottschalk ) can get away with, he was genuinely blown away by the band, and has put them up for another TV extravaganza later in the summer. The main thing the show did was raise their profile in Germany, and judging by the amount of e-mails I got from new fans in Der Fatherland after the show, it certainly did THAT. Another small digression ( you’ll get used to these…..) Have you ever used the Babelfish free translation software ? It’s genius. Most of the mails we got were in excellent English, which made me ashamed of my fifth – form schoolboy German ( his name’s Hans and he’s very beautiful…I shouldn’t be ashamed of him at all ). Like many Brits who make a cursory attempt to learn another language, I can read and understand more than I can speak, so most of the time I’ve got along OK with these missives from Deutschland, but occasionally I’d be stumped by something, usually one of their fantastic, twenty – odd - letter compound words like “ lebensmittelgeschaft “ and so I’d run it by good old Babelfish, with interesting results. The programme translates literally, with no time for tiresome things like grammar, so often I’d be left with a jumble of apparently random words from which to make a well – know phrase or saying. My favourite was when it translated one correspondent’s surname as
“ Atrocity “. Clearly a member of the Hitler family…..( before we leave the subject, can I just say that “ lebensmittelgeschaft “ is an actual word, meaning
“ greengrocers”. However, it translates literally as “ living middle shop “. Go figure…..) . To see what the band look like in genuine German HDTV widescreen 3-D technicolour feelie-sound, go to You Tube and look for the Thomas Gottschalk Swinging Sixties stuff…there’s loads. You’ll see them backing Robin Gibb and Peter Noone among others, as well as simply being the world’s best house band. Just don’t use Babelfish to translate what Thomas is saying, otherwise you’ll find yourself wondering why he refers to the band as “ a pair of lightly grilled earmuffs “.
Anyhoo, enough of this badinage…..back to the heady world of post – tour accounts.
By the time I post my next ramblings we WILL know whether we won, lost or drew, and that’ll definitely inform the length of the next post; if it’s long and rambling then we’ve made money and I’m shitfaced drunk, but if it’s short and clipped then you’d best check all your friendly neighbourhood suicide spots for a fat bald bloke in a Bootleg Sixties t-shirt. Only time will tell, so without further ado I shall sharpen my quill, fill up my inkpot and throw another peasant on the fire. It’s going to be a long night…….