Hayes Beck Theatre Wednesday March 28th

This morning we got the confirmation from Geordie John that the bus is no more. It has ceased to be. It has gone to the great MOT Testing Bay in the sky. And failed…This is, needless to say, a Very Bad Thing. We’d been kind of hoping that he’d be able to get some kind of mechanical medicinal jollop and pour it into the engine to make it go again, but I’m reliably informed that it’s a little more complicated than this. Bugger. John tells me that he’s in the process of buying another bus, but that he won’t have it until next Monday. Double bugger. With an extra helping of cobblers. It’s not so much the actual self-driving that’s the problem for us, it’s just that driving every day, checking in and out of hotels, hoiking your bags into different rooms and finding somewhere to park gets a bit wearing after….well, about two days. The other aspect to it is that it dislocates us…we’ve got three guys in one van, three in another, and the band in their own cars. We’re missing the camaraderie that being on the bus together brings, and there’s a practical element too…most of the administrative burden of sorting the hotels and alternative arrangements out falls to me and Arthur, and it’s really hard to do anything properly or efficiently when you’re driving,. As it’s full – on from the moment we arrive for load – in, we’re starting to get a bit backed up. Venues need invoicing and then chasing for payment as well….these payments are the lifeblood of the tour, after all…but it’s almost impossible to do this from behind the wheel of a van. We make the decision to hire a car ; this will at least get the band boys travelling together, and Nick can drive them, which also means we have a bit more space in the vans. Whilst you CAN get three people in the front of a Mercedes Sprinter, it doesn’t help when they’re the size of me, Arthur and Tomps. Whoever rides with us does tend to end up a little bit like the filling in a Bloke Sandwich, and it can’t be pleasant. As Arthur’s getting the train to Milton Keynes to collect the car from our mate Ray Mayes at Longmarsh ( purveyors of superb hire vehicles at excellent prices….book yours now ! ), Pug makes the most of the chance to stretch out a bit, and so the run down to London is almost comfortable. Almost. When we arrive at the venue, we’re shocked to see a couple of beached whales on the grassy bank behind the theatre. I mean, we’re not close to the sea OR the Thames…but as we get closer we realise that it is, in fact, Nick and Tomps basking ( the latter, rather terrifyingly, shirtless ) in the unseasonably hot sunshine. Rodders is also stretched out, but he’s so skinny he disappears when he turns sideways. We join them on the grass for a while and it’s all very lovely and warm and cosy and……I doze off almost immediately, for nearly a whole minute, and wake up with a start wondering where I am. If I could just……have….another…little…dooooooooze…..WAH ! Woke up again ! I realise that this just won’t do, so I get up and we pull Nick’s van onto the load ramp ready for the get in. I say “ load ramp “ but I could just as easily have said “ ski slope “. This thing really does have the most ridiculously steep gradient…I mean, I’ve seen funicular railways running up shallower inclines. It’s as though the architect who designed the place did so without remembering that the theatre itself is on the first , and not the ground floor. You can almost hear him as he proudly shows the prospective occupants round the site…
” …and as we walk around to the back of the building, you can see where the visiting companies will just pull their vehicles up to the shutter door for a nice easy load – in straight onto the stage…..Oh crap….”.The other thing we find when we get in is that the house techs haven’t actually set the lights up for us yet, and that’s poor. Rodders, however, is one of the most even – tempered and equable people you could wish to meet, and rather than shout and stamp his feet like some people would do, he calmly gives the techs some direction and thereby shames them into working even harder ! Good work, fella….The Beck is a really nice theatre with a big stage, so we’ve got room to spread out and don’t get under each other’s feet. This means we can get everything done quite quickly, and all is going swimmingly until the band arrive, at which point Den tells us that they’re going to change the setlist around. For what it’s worth we totally agree with the sentiments….the pace of the set isn’t quite right in the second half….but as the visuals are synchronised to the music of the show, it means a fair bit of jiggery-pokery with them. Again I’m reminded of how this would once have sent me into a tailspin of weeping despair; now it’s just a mild annoyance, as we’ve had a very good local Indian restaurant recommended to us, and Tomps and I are both worried about anything eating into our Tikka Time. As it happens we needn’t have worried…. it only takes about fifteen minutes, and so we’re able to steam into the nosebag with everyone else. The changes to the show make a real difference, and the new medley works really well…in fact the band are already talking about other possible changes to kick it all up yet another notch tomorrow.. The last tour was very much “ The Organic Tour “ where we changed things as we went along, but this one’s much more structured, and really all we’re doing is tweaking. They’re a very “ up for it “ crowd tonight, and apart from a minor hiccup at the start of Go Now where Chris’ keyboard is in the wrong voice setting ( it sounds more
“ industrial – sized washing machine” than “ piano “ ) it’s another excellent set. Only one gripe from the crew end….the idea was to have an encore number which would be selected literally as the band came onstage, and it even says in black and white on the set list “ ENCORE – Changes Nightly “. This statement, however, would fall foul of the Trades Descriptions Act, as thus far every night’s encore has been “ Do You Love Me “, to which the answer from the crew is a resounding “ No, we bloody don’t”. Nothing wrong with the song as such, it just feels a bit throwaway after the Stonker – Fest of the main set. Although the crew’s TRUE preference would probably be something like Saxon’s Wheels Of Steel or AC / DC’s Thunderstruck, we have to accept this isn’t ever going to happen. Just NOT THAT SONG ANYMORE !!! Time for a change, because the crew are revolting. But then you already knew that.. And finally, the philosophical thought for the day : You can lead a headbanger to water, but you can’t make it wash…….