Bishops Stortford Rhodes Centre Thursday Nov 22nd

It’s a peculiar national trait of the British that we talk about the weather all the time. Johnny Foreigner claims that this is because our lives are so dull we have nothing better to discuss, or because we are so repressed in social situations that we resort to meteorological mundanity in order to avoid doing anything like talking about our feelings. To these unfortunates who didn’t win God’s Lottery and therefore weren’t born British, I say “ Pish and tosh, sir, and furthermore, up your nose with a rubber hose “. The reason we talk about the weather is because we’ve got so bloody MUCH of it. As I write there are major floods in many parts of the country, hurricane – force gales lashing the south and midlands, snow in Scotland, clear blue skies in East Anglia and for all I know, a tropical heatwave in Liverpool. We’ve got it ALL, but mostly we’ve got water, water everywhere. We’ve had tour plans scuppered by the weather before, so I’m keeping a wary and worried eye on the Met Office forecasts. Everyone’s driving from their respective homes today, and a couple of the lads have fair distances to traverse, so I’m hoping no aquatic mishaps occur to derail today’s proceedings. For Tomps, Pug and I the run down to Bishops Stortford is relatively uneventful, apart from spotting an old bearded bloke on the hard shoulder of the M11 loading what appeared to be a pair of giraffes into some kind of wooden boat thing. Noah idea who he was…….Today’s venue is the Rhodes Centre in Bishops Stortford, a town famous largely for being near to Stansted airport. I’d never heard of the venue before, but Den reliably informs me that it has a rich musical history, and that pretty much everyone except The Beatles has played there since the 60s. Even Stevie Wonder has been, and apparently there are some great photos of his concert there. I haven’t actually seen them, but then again, neither has he…Inside it looks less like a venerable concert hall and for all the world like a slightly smaller version of the Theatre On The Hill in Marlborough where we played on the last two tours. To be honest, the modernisation that's been done has left it feeling a wee bit soulless, but Geraldine and Kevin, the house crew make us welcome AND supply us with tea and coffee….. ARE YOU LISTENING, OTHER VENUES ? IT COSTS BUGGER ALL TO LAY ON YET IT MAKES A BIG, BIG DIFFERENCE TO US !!!! Only slightly weird element about today is that there’s a great big wake going on in the adjoining bar, so there are hundreds of black-clad people milling about. I’m not sure who the deceased was, but judging by the amount of bulging muscle, cauliflower ears and broken noses on show, there’s a fair chance he / she was involved with something of a pugilistic nature. It’s a BIT of a bugger of a get –in, but we’re up and running in reasonable time. As we need to have a production meeting about Saturday’s show at Wavendon, which presents us with a few technical problems, we’re keen to get soundcheck over with sharpish, and the band are all on parade in good time. They launch into the first couple of numbers, and just as things are gathering momentum, the fire alarm shrieks into life. It’s no drill, folks….we have to evacuate the building, and suddenly we’re milling about cheek by jowl with the mourners outside. Where it’s freezing. And starting to rain. Minutes tick by. The fire brigade arrives in a blaze of blues and twos, and in they rush. More minutes pass. Then another minute. Then another. Then another minute, which was actually longer than the last minute, but shorter than the minute before that. Then another minute, longer than both the previous minutes, but not as wide. We’re running out of soundcheck and production meeting time, not to mention the fact that I now can’t feel my extremities, but just as I think I’m going to have to ask the bar staff to put me in the microwave to thaw me out, the doors re-open and we’re all beckoned back in. As we go into the hall we see a couple of the lads talking to two yellow – clad firemen. Turns out that we were the problem ( oops….). To be fair, we had no idea. Damian had asked the venue when the smoke alarm isolators would be ready for use, and had been told “ now “ about an hour and a half ago, The hazer has been steadily pumping out smoke since then, and despite the fact that the main room isolators are on, the ones in the kitchen area, it transpires, aren’t. and due to the vagaries of the way the building is ventilated, a draught has sucked our haze smoke into the kitchen area where it’s set off merry Hell. Luckily the management here are good, reasonable people and they know that we’d acted under their staff’s instructions and had done our job properly, so the Fickle Finger Of Fate doesn’t end up pointing in our direction. We belt through about ten more minutes of soundcheck then we’ve got to call it a day, but let’s be honest…if the lads don’t know what they’re doing by now then they never will. It’s a late start tonight so I get the chance to have a chat with an old pal, her husband and their friend before the show goes up, and it’s great to see them again. Jim and Irene are here again too…..that’s already ( I think ) four shows so far !!! We’ll be giving them the keys to Bishops Stortford next for their dedication to the cause. I wouldn’t say Bishops Stortford is small, but the keys to the town are actually under the front door mat next to the milk bottle holder…Unlike last night, this is more of a partisan crowd, and in this intimate venue the noise they make is truly impressive. No “polite response “ stuff tonight…..they’re right behind the band straight out of the traps. The first half seems to pass by in a flash, and there have been plenty of highlights. Yet AGAIN though, it’s Light My Fire in the second half that elicits the first wave of mayhem, and this crowd are SO obviously up for it that at the end of the set Den once again jettisons the singalong of “ Walk Alone “ in favour of the carpet-bombing of Spirit In The Sky, to the lasting joy of the crew ( all secret metalheads, every one of us !! ). With a final crash it’s all over, the band are taking their bows, the crowd are STILL going mental, and I’m wondering where I put my waterproof clothes. This has been a great show on every level, and the crowd have lapped it up. I briefly spot my friends on the way out and they’re fulsome in their praise , as are the house management, who proclaim this the best show they’ve had in for years. It’s frustrating, but it’s all part of building the show. Three to five years is the minimum time it usually takes any new project to get established. We’re nearly there…But back to the weather. The water is back ( it never really went away ) and now we’re faced with the prospect of loading out in a total deluge. It’s so bad it’s as if there’s a sadistic git standing on the venue roof and directing a cold, high powered hose at us, but no, it’s just the rain. Despite, or perhaps because of this, the gear gets loaded quicker than normal and we all climb, dripping, into our respective vehicles. I’ll draw a veil over the Nasty Next Hour, complete with overheating cars, terrible visibility on the M25, high winds and rain, ALWAYS rain. Suffice to say that by the time we get into the car we’re soaked right through to our hoggers, and all the heater seems to be doing is to fill the car with the smell of wet dog as our clothes steam in the warmth. I feel stiff and achy and I’m shivering as though I’ve been in the deep freeze for a bit, so there’s only one cure as soon as I get home…..hooooooooot baaaaaaaaath. A mug of Ovaltine may also have been involved, and my Satisfactionometer is so far off the scale by the time I get into bed that I scarcely think about the fact that I got so excited about the prospect of a bath a malty drink before bedtime. All that was missing was the Saga magazine for me to riffle through as I steeped in the tub. Old fogey ? Me ? How dare you, Sirrah ?! I'll have you know I'm both cool AND trendy ! I even wear not one but TWO earrings....! Oh yes, I'm young at heart, me. Now, if only this bloody arthritis would stop hurting....